The more our four-year-old boy is learning to express his emotions and thoughts, the more I can relate it all to either the father’s or mine. One day, when I heard him shout for something silly, it pricked me, for I saw me in him. It was a reminder that I need to slow down, get to the ground and supervise my temper. The more I see him mirror one or both of us, the more I understand parenting. That parenting isn’t just the interaction between the parents and the children; but beyond, on a deeper note, parenting is the integration of the family as a whole.
The thought process that kicked me to write this post today is the ‘virtual perception vs. the actual perception’ I had experienced at the meet. When we interact with the same few people over a period of time through distant modes, our minds begin to form perceptions about those few. At the meet, it was interesting to observe the distinctive differences between my imaginary beings and the real ones.
I have slept on the sofa with a book on my head and lights turned on till the next morning. There were days when we skipped meals, forgot all about food or simply didn’t care about eating. Once, dinner didn’t strike us until 11 pm. We had to search for late night home delivery food services and finally the pizza boy knocked our door at 12. I wouldn’t proudly justify that I lived my life the way I wanted to. As a matter of fact, I lived without a way to do it then. Life before motherhood didn’t have a structure. It didn’t have a system. It had most of the essential ingredients of life. Yet, it wasn’t right somewhere.
I didn’t attend a class on how to change the dressings when he wets bed. I haven’t got trained in how to look after him when he is sick. No one has ever reminded me that it’s time to feed him. No one has ever taught me how to maintain the home child proof. Yet, I’ve been there through all and I’ve done all that. It is unconditional! I am not to answer anyone if I don’t feed him a meal but I do it because I have no reason to it and I can take no excuses, no weekend offs or no public holidays in this matter. It is a fact that mothers become one overnight. Until the previous night he was born, I wasn’t as alive as I am now. As I write this post now, I feel loved of all the moms in the world. Perhaps, being unconditional is the greatest trait that the bond from umbilical cord has dictated upon us!
There have been times when I have had no involvement in my life. During those years when my parents were hunting for a groom for me (you will understand if you’ve been through the arranged marriage galatta in India), I began to watch animation movies, hoping some animation will come into my days. The disconnect between the man of dreams and the men that bharat matrimony displayed was too much to bear. I have gone to the depths of boredom that I explored several philosophical and occult realms of humanity like yoga, spirituality, past lives, healing and energies. (I am glad now that I did them prior to having kids 🙂 ) Like all dejected humans, I was searching for my anchor – according to Thesaurus, an anchor is something that is used to hold another thing securely – and I was searching what would hold me securely with life.
It’s rare but it does happen to moms once in a while! And that one little beautiful wave, occasionally, is enough to melt down thousand other motherhood guilt!
The first few years of motherhood is a phase of heightened emotions. It is exactly the phase when women become anxious about their career. It is exactly the phase when they are learning parenting. It is exactly the phase when they want to show love toward their parents. It is exactly the phase when they want to set smooth their relationship with their husband. It is exactly the phase when they want to rush to do everything that life had had in store all along! That’s why this phase turns out to be an overwhelming period of life, for most mothers. Having become overwhelmed of writing about motherhood for fourteen days in a row, I am going to do this post quickly tonight 😆 (Hopefully!)
I was just 19 then. It was my first job! A fortune 500 company. A new city. A magnificent office building. Elite corporate people. US Clients. American accent. “Being raised in a middle class south Indian family, how can I even sniff success in this set up?” was my first thought when I stepped into Hi-tech city the first day. But I did, in a few days. Because I was and I am an Indian! And I thought how an Indian would think!
I wish my children to grow fast as much as I wish them to grow slow. I wish my children to become independent as much as I yearn them to be my dependents. I wish my children to fly far to explore life a much as I want them with me forever. Regardless of what I wish, the sure truth is that they will fly away from this cocooned home one day. And this feeling of sadness that’s awaiting me, is a hard reality. Melancholy – is perhaps the most heart-wrenching emotion of motherhood
My blog turns 7 today, My son turns 4 today, My daughter completes 6 months today, And it has been a liberating feeling having raised the three this far! That’s the irony! In spite of the many little confinements motherhood imposes on me, I feel liberated after all!