I wish my children to grow fast as much as I wish them to grow slow.
I wish my children to become independent as much as I yearn them to be my dependents.
I wish my children to fly far to explore life a much as I want them with me forever.
Regardless of what I wish, the truth is that they will fly away from this cocooned home one day. And this feeling of sadness that’s awaiting me, is a hard reality.
Melancholy – is perhaps the most heart-wrenching emotion of motherhood!
The first post of the MotherhoodEmotions series in this blog began with A for Attachment. Touching a similar chord here, M-for-Melancholy is what remains as the result of the A-for-Attachment sinking beneath the layers of subconsciousness. A few years ago, when my son was ten months old, I had written a blog post on the same title, ‘This shall also pass away’. Here’s an excerpt from that post:
“…….My toddler is 10 months now. Days have changed remarkably after he was born. I am never alone in my mind. I live two lives in one body. He is like an attachment! My day begins with him and except for the time he sleeps, my attachment follows me all time. Usually while he rests peacefully on me, I get into thought realms so far like the one narrated above that I begin to connect emotionally with something that doesn’t even exist. I’ve seen him waiting near the school gates as I hurriedly rush to pick him back home; I’ve seen him whispering to me about his girlfriend as I pray they live a lovely couple; I’ve seen him receiving some big award while I proudly hold back my tears. And today’s tears were of different sort; of an unexplainable melancholy.
Will he ever know about these days of him – when he was all alone with this woman most of the day; that this woman dreamed of his future; that this woman felt sad for he will have to leave her several years later? No, he will have no memory of these beautiful days. He will grow big; he will get engaged with destiny’s multiple calls and his life will move on. And this woman who was once everything to him will become a small part of his journey one day. I know this too! That this shall also pass away.
For nth time, this hard truth struck me.”
He completed four yesterday. When I look back, reading the old lines and my then feeling, I feel no different from what I feel now. The melancholy has remained intact, in fact is a little more deeper now. As years pass by, I am only getting closer to his flying-out day 🙁 Hence, the title remains the same too.
It sometimes scares me how my life would change after they leave home. I might not get to speak with them for days together while he burdens me down with his chatters and questions all day now. I might not be near them to even see their faces while they are my ‘attachments’ now. I might not know every detail of their life happenings while I know when they poop and when they yawn now. I might cry alone one day while they might not even know that I am crying. Yes, they shall grow up to loving children but then it doesn’t mean they are going to keep a track of me in their minds every day. As how life has cornered me down to my children today, they shall also be. This feeling of sadness in turn reminds me of my mother who is bored of her life everyday now while her children are busy with their own lives. I don’t get to speak to her everyday now, I don’t get to meet her often now and I might not know if she is crying sometime now. That’s twice as much sadness!
Yesterday, at the middle of his birthday celebration, my son said to me, “Amma, you are good.” I asked him why and he replied, “Because you take care of me the best.” Today, as I am writing this post at 11.45 in the night, he woke out of his sleep to come near me and inform that he isn’t feeling like sleeping without me next to him. Needless to say, one can imagine what such gestures from our children can make us feel. However, at the end of the day, I remind myself that this shall also pass away. The fact that I will become a small part of his journey one day, is a fact after all!
What makes you feel the most sad in your journey? Please share your emotions in the comments below.
Here’s a list of the other posts in this series: