It’s the toughest!
To see your child in pain but remain helpless, is the toughest of all motherhood emotions!
The first time when my son had to be given IV, we were requested to stay outside the hospital room. In a few seconds, I could hear his loud cry as the nurses were trying to locate and fix the needle onto his vein. I couldn’t stand, walk or even just be there! I felt so emotionally restless that I wanted to break the door and run into the room. But I couldn’t; I wasn’t allowed to. I remained confined, fighting my tears, waiting for that moment when I’ll be summoned in.
Helplessness, especially when it’s about your children – it kills!
The next time this killer feeling killed me was when he began schooling. I remember he was the last one to get settled down in the class. The first eight days were – hard! The other children would at least remain inside the class sobbing. But my son would push everybody aside and run out of the class, screaming, no, screaming is a small word – roaring to his highest capacity. He couldn’t understand why he must go to a place he wasn’t familiar with. While other children seemed alright in a couple of days, it was worrying to see him upset for the whole of first week. We rethought if we picked the right school, if his class teacher was good enough and if he will ever like to go to school. This separation anxiety was partly on me too in addition to feeling helpless about the trauma he was going through. It didn’t feel convincing when I heard my family say, “It’s just a matter of time, he would be alright.”
There was a day, when I was waiting outside his school, hearing to his continuous loud cries, praying God that it should stop sooner and controlling to prevent that drop falling off my eyes. Finally, I hurried to one corner of the campus, faced the wall to let those drops fall out. I have been with him through every second since he was born. For the first time, I wasn’t with him when he was crying. For the first time, I wasn’t helping him when he his little heart was struggling. For the first time, he must have felt bereaved by me. It was miserable!. I couldn’t do anything; I felt so very helpless. However, it was only a matter of time. It took close to eight days for him to feel alright about the school thing after which he cried to go to school even during weekends 😯
And a few more of such incidents have come to pass when, as a mother, I am allowed to only watch him from a distance when he falls. He may cry, he may search for me but I am not to step near him. It might be a helpless feeling at the beginning but it ultimately gives him the courage to pick himself up; the belief that he can survive independently and reassures me that I am doing my parenting right.
Sometimes, as I foresee the future, I realize that several situations when he has to battle life alone would come to pass. I know, even if it would be for the 100th time, the helpless feeling would overpower my emotions. However, I need to face such times with strength because that is what is going to give him strength too.
Being a mother is as difficult as beautiful it seems to!