In spite of all that motherhood does to us and no matter what we do for the kids, the feeling of guilt of not doing something right or enough is inevitable to mothers. Over a chat about the series of blog posts on motherhood that I write, one of my fellow mothers said, “One big suggestion, make it G for Guilt.” And I replied, “Yes, it’s already on my list.” The guilt of motherhood seems universal! It might not be identifiable outwardly. A mom might run through the day as if she has been perfect all day, however she would carry a secret guilt while watching those little faces sleep peacefully.
I am not playing enough with him
This is something I feel everyday! Sometimes, as I feed him, we play some pretend games. As long as he keeps eating, I manage to be with him to play. Yet, at the back of my mind, I would be pre-planning the next awaiting chores in line. I mean to say, I wouldn’t be my 100%; I’ll play with him for the sake of making him have food which gives a guilty feeling about my sort-of-selfishness.
Sometimes, I sit on the floor to play with him (without the food part) with the intention of being my 100% and that’s exactly I would remember I didn’t put the clothes for drying or somebody calls me or his baby sister needs attention. Everyday, (truly, everyday!) I feel determined to spend quality play time with him. But when the opportunity to do that comes, something comes in between and time flies leaving a trace of guilt in me (everyday!).
I am not making him engaged enough (and perhaps, I am not putting all his toys and other play stuff to maximum use)
I want him to play with toy vehicles as much as to play with his doll house as much as to make clay impressions as much as to do colouring and painting as much as to create structures with his building blocks as much as to solve jigsaw puzzles as much as……….all that he would be interested to do. However, as days go by, he would have been repeatedly playing with one thing. His writing board would be lying in dust, carpenter set would have reached the bottom of his toy shelf and the big car would not have been charged for a while. Finally, when the guilt load becomes heavier, I would sit down to sort out his playtime which would last only for a couple of days after which the pattern of unstructured playtime would slowly creep in.
I am letting him watch videos for longer hours
It’s the best way to make him have food, to let me get some time and for anything that’s to be done urgently; because it’s the only time he wouldn’t have anything to disturb his mom with, in fact the only time when he wouldn’t be bothered to know if mom is still around the house or not. When I am in no mood to have his clay chapathi or fix his truck wheels or run behind him begging or screaming to eat, I switch it on – the rescuer as I would call it as. But sometimes when I realize that it has been for a longer time, I suddenly feel terribly guilty resulting in a reminder yell at his direction. And again I feel double guilty for yelling + letting him watch video 😥
I am not making him have food rich enough in proteins, carbs, fats, DHA, iron, calcium, magnesium, vitamins A,B,C,D,E,K….
Don’t ask me what else he eats! He has reached all his milestones in time and has an athletic bent of energy, yet I’ve never felt satisfied of what and how much he eats 🙄 And when another mom tells me she tried a new healthy recipe for her kid, my guilt BP raises to 200/160 😆
I yell at him
I make a promise to stop yelling at him for something as silly as spilling the milk and well, for anything, only to break the promise, feel remorseful, patch up with hugs and kisses and get ready for the next yelling round. This is the mother of all the guilt of motherhood!
During bedtime every night, I would ask my son, how much he had liked me that day. He would tell me honestly the good and the not-so-good things I did in the day and I would promise him that I would be all good the following day. After he dozes off, I would look at his serene sleeping face, relive the guilty moments of the day and promise myself to be a better mom the next day.