What Did I Love More – My Belly or My Baby?

“How can a mother even come up with this title let alone write a blog post on it!”

I know this title would give a ‘Aw!’ feeling to many. However, what I write here is truth and perhaps, many new mothers may as well share this strange truth with me.

Pregnancy was the most beautiful time of my life. Like all mothers, I fantasized too that post delivery, having my baby close to me would surpass all the joys of those pregnant days. The little one was born. Undoubtedly, when he held my fingers on the first day, heavens descended down into my being. No matter  how many ever times I glanced at his face, it was never enough. I only wanted to peep one more time. But what could not be ignored amidst this new-found joy was that I was missing my pregnancy.

If you ask me what I missed exactly, I am afraid I have an answer to it. During those initial days when morning sickness sickened me, all I wanted was a fast forward to my due date. Ironically, at that time a friend who was nearing her labour day wrote this to me:

“I feel I should be pregnant forever. As days are getting closer, I don’t want to let the baby out of me, it’s such an intimate feeling between the mother and the baby and more than that am being pampered like anything….too much of love and care!”

I only thought that everybody is strange in their own ways.

And today, I know what she meant!

It’s difficult to point exactly what I did not want to let go of my pregnancy. I keep asking myself,

“Was it the big belly that I was fond of?”

Definitely, I loved carrying it everywhere I went around!

“Or the flutters, rolls and stretches I felt from inside?”

Oh, it was exciting even on the D-day! I often tried to do the counting as the gynaec advised. But every time, I got lost in those amazing moments and never realized where I left my counting.

“Or may be my health and energy?”

Why not! I was at the best of my health and energy in those months. For the first time in whole of my life, I never missed a meal. I really NEVER missed! Because I know I was growing a new life in me!

“Or was it just that I was afraid of missing the pampering around?”

Could be. My mother didn’t mind giving up her favourite pillow for my comfort. My husband didn’t mind having the left overs of the lunch for dinner. My in-laws didn’t allow me to do even the slightest of movements. The neighbour aunty kept a check on me now and then when my husband was away from town. Every guest, every visitor did the hospitality for me. Even the stranger at the railway station forced me to hand over my luggage to her!

“Or was I possessive of my baby?”

May be not possessive truly. However, he was the closest to me. I didn’t have to share him with anyone.  I kept him safe and was not afraid of anyone or anything hurting him. I was his proud owner. I was his world!

Or all these could be mere logical reasoning. Perhaps, it’s an unexplainable melancholy after the separation of my baby from me!

I Miss My Pregnancy

When I expressed my grief to an adorable ex-boss of mine, she wrote to me:

“Post delivery is a very emotional period and we go through all sorts of emotions…I have been there too! But soon you will have no time even to handle your emotions because the little bundle of joy will keep you so busy that all you’d want to do is get a couple of hours sleep. And you’d definitely be disappointed if you expect your big bundle of joy to share your emotions because he also must be struggling with this big change. A lot of men act indifferent during this period”.

And it’s that last statement for which I had to write this blog post. Though my husband could not relate too well, he definitely did not dismiss my emotion. He constantly encouraged me to divert my attention on the new little guy.

To men:

It’s certainly difficult to understand this weird behaviour of her’s (not that you understood the other ones :P). But there’s really something in it when so many other women feel the same way. Don’t ever give her that ‘you are a mad’ look. Instead give the new angel into her hands. And speak of the times when you both were envisaging his arrival.

Sometimes, there comes a feeling of guilt, “What did I love more – My belly or My baby?” though I know it’s a silly question. It feels as if this can get better but may not pass ever completely. Sometimes, I try to relive my pregnancy; what he felt like in my belly – it’s simply the most beautiful feeling in the world! But ultimately, it’s over now and no matter how many ever times a woman gets pregnant again, it has to get over one day. Like all other phases of life, this shall also pass away!

To other woman:

Relive those memories as long as it keeps you good. When it crosses into grief, know it’s time to let go.

Last night, my little heart grieved one more time. And when I woke up today, I received this song from him .

To my dearest mom,

U sang songs inviting me to be your child

U welcomed me for a 40 weeks journey with the greatest joy ever

Though you faced hardships in the journey with every road

Yet u showed displeasure never.

U ate things which you do not like

For me to be in the pink of health

Oh Pink! Though the stuff you bought for me were all alike

I loved them from my heart in stealth.

I cannot find a word to describe the way you care for me

All I wanna say is ‘I LOVE YOU FROM DEEP INSIDE OF ME’.

HAPPY MOM’s DAY MUMMY .

(Certainly he was not born singing. His papa gave his voice from behind) 🙂

A wonderful MOTHER’S DAY to all Mothers!!!

Photo Courtesy: http://www.modernmom.com

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6 thoughts on “What Did I Love More – My Belly or My Baby?

  1. Oh my god, such a lovely post nandhini.. 🙂 Wonderful! Soon after my baby delivery i asked my husband if he saw the baby and the very next sentence from me was “I miss my belly” 🙂 I dont remember how many times i have said that. Yes, I miss those days when i used to wobble:). I am sure that’s the only period when women don’t mind looking fat. 🙂

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