The first few years of motherhood is a phase of heightened emotions. It is exactly the phase when women become anxious about their career. It is exactly the phase when they are learning parenting. It is exactly the phase when they want to show love toward their parents. It is exactly the phase when they want to set smooth their relationship with their husband. It is exactly the phase when they want to rush to do everything that life had had in store all along! That’s why this phase turns out to be an overwhelming period of life, for most mothers. Having become overwhelmed of writing about motherhood for fourteen days in a row, I am going to do this post quickly tonight 😆 (Hopefully!)
The thought process that kicked me to write this post today is the ‘virtual perception vs. the actual perception’ I had experienced at the meet. When we interact with the same few people over a period of time through distant modes, our minds begin to form perceptions about those few. At the meet, it was interesting to observe the distinctive differences between my imaginary beings and the real ones.
If you think the pretend play courier game can be fun for your little ones, get to the floor with them, build it all and pretend. That’s the best we can give them now – our time!
Now having completed the A to Z Blogging Challenge 2017, I am glad I wrote all the posts from my heart. Until I sat to write, I wouldn’t have had anything framed in my mind about what to write. In spite of holding my sleeping baby on the shoulders and in addition, sometimes, my son sleeping on my lap, I managed to bring in my emotions in words while typing with my left hand. It isn’t a feeling of having achieved something; rather it has been a hearty experience of having run through my motherhood days with the little ones close to me. I don’t think I could have done this better any other year, for my new born has revived it all from the scratch, making it more intense. It has been a truly, from-the-depth-of-my-heart memorable experience.
Sometimes, we expect but it doesn’t happen. Sometimes, we least expect but it happens. The second kind is more interesting. We breath, eat and sleep as though we are aware of what happens inside our bodies. But, we are not even close to being aware of what happens within. This is the first enlightenment that the news of pregnancy brought with it. Developmental biology used to be my most favourite subject during my master’s days. I’ve studied every detail of zygote, embryo, blastula and gastrula; yet when it was happening in reality inside my body, I had no clue of it. It – the miracle of nature – seemed mysterious to me for the nth time. It could have happened with any set of genes of the hundreds of the sperm cells. To put it in a funny way, one man is just half zygote away from becoming another.
There could be hundred nice things about me as a mother but those few seconds of yelling at my son can bring the hundred things down – not necessarily to anyone else, but to myself. I know I cannot justify my action, passing the blame on circumstances. I know it can never be a good feeling after the yelling session concludes. I know, first of all, that yelling at him isn’t going to help him in getting better at anything. I know it isn’t a decent way of parenting. I know, in time, my son might begin to hate me for my behaviour. I know he’s learning to yell, as well, watching me. I know, after all at the end of the day that what would remain with me is only guilt. I know it all, half from self-realization and half from the father’s constant requests, demands and gyans. Indeed, I have largely turned off yelling at my son in the recent days. To get rid of yelling, is not only relieving; it is also a great peace booster for the family. At the end of the day, when I watch his serene sleeping face, I rest now with a feeling of triumph.
I have slept on the sofa with a book on my head and lights turned on till the next morning. There were days when we skipped meals, forgot all about food or simply didn’t care about eating. Once, dinner didn’t strike us until 11 pm. We had to search for late night home delivery food services and finally the pizza boy knocked our door at 12. I wouldn’t proudly justify that I lived my life the way I wanted to. As a matter of fact, I lived without a way to do it then. Life before motherhood didn’t have a structure. It didn’t have a system. It had most of the essential ingredients of life. Yet, it wasn’t right somewhere.
I cherish it everyday now as my little girl simply cannot be away from me. I am cooking in the morning hours. She begins with cooing which slowly turns to soft whimpers and then all of a sudden to a loud cry which will intensify to a high-pitch scream. The father tries his luck from toys to acting a clown but she wouldn’t even open her eyes to witness his farce until I take her on my hips when her cry graph falls off to the X-axis from its highest peak in less than a fraction of a second. I turn to her and ask, ” What made you cry like that?” She looks up at my face with a mischievous smile to let me know, “Just for this Amma; to take this place on your hips.” And everything of your being melts!