Sometimes, we expect but it doesn’t happen. Sometimes, we least expect but it happens. The second kind is more interesting. We breath, eat and sleep as though we are aware of what happens inside our bodies. But, we are not even close to being aware of what happens within. This is the first enlightenment that the news of pregnancy brought with it. Developmental biology used to be my most favourite subject during my master’s days. I’ve studied every detail of zygote, embryo, blastula and gastrula; yet when it was happening in reality inside my body, I had no clue of it. It – the miracle of nature – seemed mysterious to me for the nth time. It could have happened with any set of genes of the hundreds of the sperm cells. To put it in a funny way, one man is just half zygote away from becoming another.
I have slept on the sofa with a book on my head and lights turned on till the next morning. There were days when we skipped meals, forgot all about food or simply didn’t care about eating. Once, dinner didn’t strike us until 11 pm. We had to search for late night home delivery food services and finally the pizza boy knocked our door at 12. I wouldn’t proudly justify that I lived my life the way I wanted to. As a matter of fact, I lived without a way to do it then. Life before motherhood didn’t have a structure. It didn’t have a system. It had most of the essential ingredients of life. Yet, it wasn’t right somewhere.
I cherish it everyday now as my little girl simply cannot be away from me. I am cooking in the morning hours. She begins with cooing which slowly turns to soft whimpers and then all of a sudden to a loud cry which will intensify to a high-pitch scream. The father tries his luck from toys to acting a clown but she wouldn’t even open her eyes to witness his farce until I take her on my hips when her cry graph falls off to the X-axis from its highest peak in less than a fraction of a second. I turn to her and ask, ” What made you cry like that?” She looks up at my face with a mischievous smile to let me know, “Just for this Amma; to take this place on your hips.” And everything of your being melts!
You read it right! It’s not about the baby’s vaccination schedule. For the first time, in the history of motherhood, a mother has framed an immunization schedule for mothers and that mother is me 😆 During the course of motherhood, a mother develops immunity against several pre-existing and never-before-existed conditions that children can bring into her life – The Privacy of your Private Parts, The Peey, Poopy, Puky stuff……Here’s a quick, fun schedule:
As a first-time mother, I have felt withdrawn from activities which were a part of my pre-mommy life. After a few days of the baby’s coming in, seeing 5 to 10 missed calls notifications every day wasn’t surprising any longer. On most of those days, my phone had to remain in the silence mode else those few hours I had painstakingly tried to put the baby to sleep will be wasted in a few seconds. Well, the baby has slept. Can I call a few people now? Yes, after I have my meal, after I have my bath! What?! The baby is up? But I haven’t even had my meal yet. That’s how the initial days pass without much communication with people dear to us.
It’s rare but it does happen to moms once in a while! And that one little beautiful wave, occasionally, is enough to melt down thousand other motherhood guilt!
The first few years of motherhood is a phase of heightened emotions. It is exactly the phase when women become anxious about their career. It is exactly the phase when they are learning parenting. It is exactly the phase when they want to show love toward their parents. It is exactly the phase when they want to set smooth their relationship with their husband. It is exactly the phase when they want to rush to do everything that life had had in store all along! That’s why this phase turns out to be an overwhelming period of life, for most mothers. Having become overwhelmed of writing about motherhood for fourteen days in a row, I am going to do this post quickly tonight 😆 (Hopefully!)
My blog turns 7 today, My son turns 4 today, My daughter completes 6 months today, And it has been a liberating feeling having raised the three this far! That’s the irony! In spite of the many little confinements motherhood imposes on me, I feel liberated after all!
There was a day, when I was waiting outside his school, hearing to his continuous loud cries, praying God that it should stop sooner and controlling to prevent that drop falling off my eyes. Finally, I hurried to one corner of the campus, faced the wall to let those drops fall out. I have been with him through every second since he was born. For the first time, I wasn’t with him when he was crying. For the first time, I wasn’t helping him when he his little heart was struggling. For the first time, he must have felt bereaved by me. It was miserable! I couldn’t do anything; I felt so very helpless.
Perhaps, this is the most intense of all the emotions I’ve experienced as a mother – Attachment! Sometimes, when I yearn for a a few hours of off from looking after them and when it does happen, I yearn to be back with them in no time. Sometimes, when I breathe a sigh of relief after they are asleep, having waited for it for several hours, all that I like to do is watch them sleep. There’s an emptiness in their absence – even while they sleep!