I have slept on the sofa with a book on my head and lights turned on till the next morning. There were days when we skipped meals, forgot all about food or simply didn’t care about eating. Once, dinner didn’t strike us until 11 pm. We had to search for late night home delivery food services and finally the pizza boy knocked our door at 12. I wouldn’t proudly justify that I lived my life the way I wanted to. As a matter of fact, I lived without a way to do it then. Life before motherhood didn’t have a structure. It didn’t have a system. It had most of the essential ingredients of life. Yet, it wasn’t right somewhere.
I cherish it everyday now as my little girl simply cannot be away from me. I am cooking in the morning hours. She begins with cooing which slowly turns to soft whimpers and then all of a sudden to a loud cry which will intensify to a high-pitch scream. The father tries his luck from toys to acting a clown but she wouldn’t even open her eyes to witness his farce until I take her on my hips when her cry graph falls off to the X-axis from its highest peak in less than a fraction of a second. I turn to her and ask, ” What made you cry like that?” She looks up at my face with a mischievous smile to let me know, “Just for this Amma; to take this place on your hips.” And everything of your being melts!
You read it right! It’s not about the baby’s vaccination schedule. For the first time, in the history of motherhood, a mother has framed an immunization schedule for mothers and that mother is me 😆 During the course of motherhood, a mother develops immunity against several pre-existing and never-before-existed conditions that children can bring into her life – The Privacy of your Private Parts, The Peey, Poopy, Puky stuff……Here’s a quick, fun schedule:
I didn’t attend a class on how to change the dressings when he wets bed. I haven’t got trained in how to look after him when he is sick. No one has ever reminded me that it’s time to feed him. No one has ever taught me how to maintain the home child proof. Yet, I’ve been there through all and I’ve done all that. It is unconditional! I am not to answer anyone if I don’t feed him a meal but I do it because I have no reason to it and I can take no excuses, no weekend offs or no public holidays in this matter. It is a fact that mothers become one overnight. Until the previous night he was born, I wasn’t as alive as I am now. As I write this post now, I feel loved of all the moms in the world. Perhaps, being unconditional is the greatest trait that the bond from umbilical cord has dictated upon us!
It seems good fun to recollect these memories today but to have been there. at that point, as a mother, it was no fun! Whosoever coined the term ‘terrible two’ must have really had a terrible kid 🙂
There have been times when I have had no involvement in my life. During those years when my parents were hunting for a groom for me (you will understand if you’ve been through the arranged marriage galatta in India), I began to watch animation movies, hoping some animation will come into my days. The disconnect between the man of dreams and the men that bharat matrimony displayed was too much to bear. I have gone to the depths of boredom that I explored several philosophical and occult realms of humanity like yoga, spirituality, past lives, healing and energies. (I am glad now that I did them prior to having kids 🙂 ) Like all dejected humans, I was searching for my anchor – according to Thesaurus, an anchor is something that is used to hold another thing securely – and I was searching what would hold me securely with life.
All through my days when I was living with my parents, I didn’t realize what it is like to be a parent. After marriage, I slowly started looking back how boring and sometimes exhausting it would have been for my mom to have looked after home continuously for years. This looking-back doubled after I had my own children. When my son refuses to eat something I had prepared with lot of love, care and the anticipation that he is going to finish the bowl, I get reminded of how much I must have troubled my mom being a poor eater. When I get worried when the thermometer reading crosses 100 on my son, I recall of those days when my mom used to sit beside me trying to make me sleep during the unwell days. When I run at the last minute to pack my pre-schooler’s snacks box, I feel amazed thinking about the years’ of lunch box packing that my mom did for the family.
As a first-time mother, I have felt withdrawn from activities which were a part of my pre-mommy life. After a few days of the baby’s coming in, seeing 5 to 10 missed calls notifications every day wasn’t surprising any longer. On most of those days, my phone had to remain in the silence mode else those few hours I had painstakingly tried to put the baby to sleep will be wasted in a few seconds. Well, the baby has slept. Can I call a few people now? Yes, after I have my meal, after I have my bath! What?! The baby is up? But I haven’t even had my meal yet. That’s how the initial days pass without much communication with people dear to us.
It’s rare but it does happen to moms once in a while! And that one little beautiful wave, occasionally, is enough to melt down thousand other motherhood guilt!
The first few years of motherhood is a phase of heightened emotions. It is exactly the phase when women become anxious about their career. It is exactly the phase when they are learning parenting. It is exactly the phase when they want to show love toward their parents. It is exactly the phase when they want to set smooth their relationship with their husband. It is exactly the phase when they want to rush to do everything that life had had in store all along! That’s why this phase turns out to be an overwhelming period of life, for most mothers. Having become overwhelmed of writing about motherhood for fourteen days in a row, I am going to do this post quickly tonight 😆 (Hopefully!)